I pointed out that as a former junior and senior high school teacher, I strongly disagreed with this statement and that I worked very hard at building relationships with students (especially those that might have challenging behaviors) in hopes that all of my students would learn as much as possible.
My first couple of years of teaching were challenging. It seemed that no matter what rules I put in place, there were always a handful of students that made it difficult for others to learn. My behavior often escalated situations which would lead to referrals and out of class time for students that often needed learning time the most.
I recognized that I needed to change or I would face this every year. Along with simplifying and clarifying my classroom rules, I turned my focus to building positive relationships with the students that might be the most challenging during the year. Here are some of the actions that I took that greatly improved the classroom environment.
Greet students
I can't say that I did this every day at the beginning of each class period, but I consistently met students at the door between periods. I would say hello to students as the entered. Most of the time I would say their name in a short greeting. This gave me a feel for the mood of students as they entered. A recent article on Edutopia touches on the importance of greeting students at the door.
Focus on a few
At the beginning of each school year, I would identify 5-8 students that I thought might be challenging for me to connect with. Sometimes they were the quiet ones. Sometimes there were the ones that were already demonstrating attention seeking behaviors. Other times they were ones that seemed to really dislike school and/or math. After I identified them, I would strike up conversations with them. Not school related stuff but conversations about their interest. I would make it a point to talk to them as often as I could about non-school topics. This might mean mentioning that I looked into a video game they talked about, watched a show they mentioned or listened to music they like. Whatever seemed to be relevant to that student. I wanted them to know that I was interested in them as a person. If I had to choose one action from this list as most effective, this is the one. I would often hear other teachers mention that they were having a difficult time with one of these students. Because I had built a relationship with these students, I seldom had issues and when there was a problem it was normally quite minor.
Involve students
Students want to be involved and believe that they have some control over the class and routines. This is why we would collaboratively set class guidelines and norms at the beginning of the year. I would also ask for input on how students preferred content to be delivered and how to organize and decorate the classroom. It created ownership and pride in the classroom. Students were also allowed to apply for classroom jobs. Things like taking attendance, cleaning boards, creating anchor charts etc. It kept me from having to do a lot of the daily tasks and got more students involved.
Develop open and honest relationships
Many teachers ask students to be open with them. Some teachers actually take into account what students have to say. I would suggest that few actually change to meet the needs of their students. Although it is scary to ask students what they really think of you as a teacher, their feedback can be especially meaningful. It was tough for me to hear from students that my class was boring. However, once I took the feedback to heart and asked them for ideas on how to make it more interesting, classes became more engaging. They also had some really good ideas. Not all of their ideas were practical and certainly not all of them made it into action but the feedback was helpful in getting student more excited about learning math. I also shared my feedback with them openly. When I felt that a student or class was not focused or working as hard as we expected I let them know. Not in an accusing manner, but in a supportive "I think you can do better" way. I let them know when I thought my teaching was bad or that I failed to prepare them for a test question. I found they were willing to take the blame and change as long as I was too. Too often we blame it on the kids and forget to listen to what they are really trying to tell us. High school students are often under a lot of pressure from other teachers, parents, and life as a young adult. I think we sometime forget that.
Dealing with conflict
Of course it wasn't always smooth sailing. When a student crossed the line or broke one of our classroom norms it had to be dealt with. The biggest lesson I learned is to not take it personally. I developed a process that seemed to work...most of the time.
- Start by explaining the action that broke the norms. I tried to keep it focused on the actions. Something like, "I saw you look over John's shoulder and write the same answer that he had on his paper during the test." The "I saw" or "I heard" phrase is something I learned from a friend who is a teacher, referee and coach. He used this line when a coach would disagree with a call that he made while refereeing. He explained that if you say "I called ________ because I saw _______," it makes it really difficult to continue an argument. It's similar in a classroom situation. Although the student might disagree with the consequence and might even have an explanation of why they did something, if you apply a consequence because of an action that broke a norm, there really isn't any further explanation needed.
- If the action was severe enough that the student was asked to leave the classroom, I always held a quick conference with them when they came back. We did this away from earshot of others. I looked at it as damage control and it was an opportunity for them to give their side of the story. After all, there are always two sides. Using our scenario above, maybe the student did not have a chance to study for the test because they had to take care of a sick brother or sister the night before. It allows them to share their situation with me and be heard. I could then emphasize, "I'm sorry. I didn't know that. I'm sure it was difficult and I appreciate you letting me know. I know you don't usually cheat. However, you know that cheating is against one of our classroom norms and there is always a consequence for it." This would quickly be followed by a question from me. "What can I do to help you from doing this again?" Most of the time students would take responsibility for their actions and tell me "nothing" and it was their choice. Occasionally a student would let me know that something I did or said had upset them or missed something that was done or said by another student first. Finally I would ask them, "What can you do instead of cheating (or other behavior) next time?" In this case, if the student let me know prior to the beginning of the test, I might have let them schedule an alternate time, let them retest etc. The point of this whole conversation is not to rehash the situation and tell them what they did wrong again. It is an opportunity for the two of us to work together to problem solve so we don't end up dealing with the same situation again. In the case of a less severe incident in which a student remained in the classroom, an abbreviated conference would be held.
- It was also important for me to remember not to hold on to the conflict. I tried very hard to treat every day as a new opportunity. Holding on to grudges and emotions from previous days is not an effective way to build relationships. It can be challenging, but our attitude can change how students think about themselves. We can believe in them even if when they are having a difficult time doing so.
What change can you make tomorrow to build relationships with students? Even though they may not say it, they want to be cared about by all of us.
